Friday Night Flicks: Hands on a Hardbody
For the past three years, I’ve been scouring the web for a means of watching an elusive documentary called Hands on a Hardbody.
Hardbody follows the events of a pickup truck giveaway that happened in Texas in 1995, one with twenty-four contestants and a single rule: last hands off the truck drive away with it, no strings attached.
I know what you’re thinking. Sounds interesting… maybe… but not the sort of thing you’d want to willingly sacrifice an hour and a half of your life up for. But the hype surrounding Hardbody is sort of ridiculous.
In separate instances, I’ve heard it referred to as “the greatest cultural time capsule of the nineties”, “a metaphor for life as we know it”, even “the greatest documentary of all time”. It’s no use searching for it on streaming services (trust me, I’ve checked them all), and up until recent reissues, the DVD was considered a rarity; For years the cheapest copies I could find were never listed for less than $80. Eventually, naturally, I resorted to criminality. Pirate Bay. LimeWire. Soulseek, you name it, chances are I had checked it, and to no gain whatsoever (save perhaps for a few hundred different kinds of malware).
* * *
Fast forward to last Saturday.
The cosmos must have aligned, because - while watching an unlicensed GG Allin documentary on Youtube - I noticed a familiar-looking thumbnail off to the side in the recommended section: a congregation of denim-clad hopefuls in yellow shirts and trucker hats, gathered around an electric blue pickup truck, each with a palm pressed against it in what appeared to be some strange communion.
One click later and there it was, a VHS rip of Hands on a Hardbody posted in its entirety, and on a channel with less than 34 subscribers. Not all heroes wear capes.
I can now confidently assure you that Hardbody does in fact live up to the hype, albeit in a so-bad-it’s-good sort of way. It drags a bit in the first act, sure. But as the hours pass and an inevitable sleep deprivation-induced delirium gradually sets in amongst the contestants, things get interesting, even psychedelic, but in a deep-fried, aw-shucks sort of way. Especially past the 50-hour mark. Just don’t blame us if you start feeling a bit delirious yourself. —Jackson Todd
““one thing i learned throughout this whole thing: if you really want something, keep your hands on it.””
