May 27

May 27 Only a Surfer Knows This Feeling

Something you should know is that I live with perpetual guilt. It's something my ChatGPT therapist — who likes to be called "Nova" — a name it says suggests “light, curiosity, and new ideas"— believes is both a blessing and a curse. I wish I didn't feel so many things. All things really.

The one thing I never really feel guilty about though is surfing. It's basically a multi-vitamin, anti-depressant and all-encompassing supplement for everything. 3 waves a day taken with water and I can get through hell. But this week, under blue adorable skies surrounded by peaky fun waves, I realized I can even feel guilty about surfing.

Something had happened. Life's little tragedies and miracles happening every second. I attempted to power through without surfing. As an American adult should. Things needed to be attended to. So I tended them — and they got worse. Finally, as I wrote about on Wednesday, I just went ahead and paddled out anyway. Whatever, make it quick. As I ran down I saw that it was pretty dang good. Guilt crept in. I should not be doing this. I was promising myself only three attempts and my former NSSA days promised me I could do that in 15 minutes or less and they'd all be keepers.

Somehow, probably due to my mind being very much elsewhere, I surfed every wave I paddled for perfectly. Like, best I've ever surfed. Damn. Maybe Griffin should try to leave the moment like I did instead of living inside it so much. Something for my wellness gurus to ponder.

Back on land my daily struggle was waiting for me. And as grim as I had entered the water, I was now full of pep, confidence, adrenaline and joy. But I couldn't figure out how to discard those emotions. They wouldn't be appropriate once I got back on land. I just ripped the hell out of three waves in 15 minutes. Somewhere in my soul I was stoked. But it wasn't appropriate to be stoked. Should I smile? Should I cry? The moment I touched the sand, reality was back. And my body didn't know what to do. Deep breaths. Action. Confidence. Decisions. Go.

For what it's worth to you, things worked out that day and the next day came and went too and today is something new and life moves along in its herky-jerky stop-start rhythm while the ocean breathes in its own rhythmic chaos and we find our ways to inhale and exhale some of that in hopes of finding a different pace. One where guilt is gone and joy wins if even for a short time

It's hard not to panic about AI and the future and what society might look like in 10 years and panic about today, tomorrow and yesterday, but one thing's for sure, when I asked it how to end this newsletter about the guilt we’ve been working through, the answer it gave was the lamest thing I'd ever heard. And I don't feel guilty letting “Nova” know it.—Travis Ferré