So what are we gonna call this?
There was a time when I was OK, err, at peace with the pool. And the surfing in it. I didn’t want to ride it, but I actively tried to just let it be. I made my protest on some websites. I declined the invite to surf it. I said it wasn’t for me, etc. I thought, “Hey, maybe it’s cool for some people.” Maybe my dad could go get a barrel in it. Or my buddies. Or my girlfriend. Or people who don’t surf. I decided to say my bit, then rest my case and let this whole mockery of wave riding carry on but it would carry on without me.
But today, right now, after watching this “pool” contest and this whole WSL youth group positive vibrations shaka party, I’ve decided it’s all bullshit. All of it. Pools. This whole cultural direction. I think I’m more upset by the culture and lifestyle that surrounds these wave pools than the actual tanks. It’s creating a strange walled-in, protected society of kool-aid drinkers. And no one says anything about it! Why won’t anyone say anything? Like anything? Where is our punk? Our anti-hero? Surfing’s Greta!
I can truly say I gave it due-process. I sat there quietly and let it go on. “I’ll be here surfing and I’ll leave your pool toys be.” But I can’t take it anymore. Especially on a day when the majority of the world is walking out on their jobs and educations to protest the atrocity that is climate change while the WSL drags an anchor through a freshwater pool full of wave runners replicating one of nature’s finest creations. All this only one month after the horrible optics that came along with claiming they’re saving the same reef they drilled scaffolding into for a judges tower and poured fuel on top of via massive boats in the channel. Well, today, I’m officially out on pools and Country Club Surf Culture and the blind positivity of this hypnotized tennis tour. I was out before, but now I wanna make a mess of it. By living my best surf life over here and providing an alternative to it. Something that celebrates surfing for all that is it is. The goods, the bads and the bummers. It will not be perfect, because we are not perfect. My dad will go get barreled at Bolsa Chica beach and it will be infinitely better than anything he does in that damn tank because it will be a pumping day at his home spot and it will be in the ocean…and well worth the wait.
Don’t get me wrong: I encourage everyone to learn how to surf. Drew Brees. Lewis Hamilton. Jonah Hill and all the pro skaters in the world. Even that comedian lady the WSL is so high on. Get after it! I encourage all of you to rip into surfing. But please, do it in the ocean. Get worked. Get drilled. Get humbled by a ripping local and take a big set on the head. Realize surfing is not for everyone, but it’s always there for anyone.
I surfed this morning and it was about as bad as it gets. Side-shore wind. Wind swell eeking out average slop at best. But I did it and it was surfing and I can say “I surfed” and it was nothing like The Freshwater Pro. There was no machine involved. No casino sadness. No post-surf Acai bowl in the jacuzzi with Strider. Just me, paddling around in the ocean and then returning to the shore to put my sandy feet back in my sandy shoes where I would continue on with my day knowing that I surfed. And as I drove home I decided it would be a great day to vote on what we’re going to call this alternative to surfing, this wave pool riding. You guys submitted some great stuff, so let’s recap and then vote.
New names for surfing inside of a wave pool:
-Poofing: Combination of “pool” and the omitted “surfing” word. Plus, it just sounds lame.
-C.P.R. — Chlorine Pool Riding: Might be hard to get this one from the American Red Cross but maybe its’ worth the fight? The WSL stole SPF from the American Dermatologist Association (Speed, Power, Flow). So it’s possible.
-Skipping: Because you’re skipping everything that makes surfing surfing. Getting up early, tracking swell, getting skunked, scoring, driving to a sick playlist, duck diving, cold water, being in nature.
-Pooling: …and the “surfers” would be “poolers.”
-Flurfing: Sounds just about lame enough to work.
-Smurfing: Chlorine blue cartoon?
-Pool-boarding: Kinda like wake boarding but… lamer?
-Synthetic Surfing: Faux real!
-Serfing: Kelly Slater’s feudal lords.
-Purfing: Not exactly creative, but it sounds like what it looks like.
-Wurfing: Something you do when you miss a whiffle ball…and ride a wave in a tank.
-Slating: Give the king his toy.
-Stab Boarding: They do seem to love a good pool party.
-Pool Riding: Like bull riding but…?
-Pool Chop: Is this derogatory to chop hops?
-Chlorine Walking: Bible speak for wave pool riding!
-Piscine Boarding: Multi-cultural!
-Splenda Surfing: Sucralose-based artificial shredding! I love it.
-Boring: Think we might have nailed it…